read some old notes today and it made my heart swell.  i hope you are just as in love with me now as you were in the beginning.  i can’t wait to see you saturday!

theres a certain relief that comes with that.  that maybe, because i’ve made it abundantly clear where i stood, that nothing is going to be forced down my throat. no one’s going to force to me to do anything because i’ve stood my ground about it.  i don’t feel sorry or guilty in any way about how i feel.  it’s not like it’s a snap judgment.

yes, i’ve managed to mostly let go of the details, the small, all-too-consuming details that could easily work up my anger if i thought about it long enough, still. i’m just at that point where if anyone ever asks for any sort of elaboration - i don’t. it’s dulled, at best.  and yes, there are times when a cutting remark slips.  sometimes it’s easy to forget that the bf’s venting about her isn’t always an open invitation for my personal grievances and sarcastic remarks. so i am trying to curb that habit and trying hard to make sure i say very little. because more often than not it just gets the bf all sorts of defensive on her behalf, which invariably gets under my skin, and well, it never ends well for me. 

anyway,  those things: last summer and everything involved, i try to hold it as irrelevant. and strangely enough the word ‘hate’ makes me slightly cringe at times because it sounds so harsh, now.  and funny enough, at one point, it didn’t seem all too far from accurate. i guess time does that.  months ago, i didn’t see myself getting here, to this point. as i’ve come to find, once the emotions subside, it is possible to not like a person but be civil, still.  I can sit there and make small talk and sit through dinner and smile and be friendly enough to the point where it doesn’t make anything feel too strained, or awkward. 

and that’s fine, isn’t it?  isn’t that enough?

the thing of it is this: yes, i am civil.  yes, i am on my best behavior.  but would i want to be around her all the time, or at all, if i could help it? no.  would i go out of my way to be friends with her? no. at the end of the day, to me, she’s not a good person. from what i’ve seen, from what i’ve experienced - well, she’s just not. that’s my personal opinion.  and i don’t think it’s fair to say that that makes me bitter, although i am sure other people would love to disagree.  she may represent other things to other people, i realize that, and i frankly don’t care as long as they respect how i feel about it and won’t push me to change my mind.

i dont like where my mind wanders off to on those nights when i have trouble sleeping.  i just think and think and think and.  how will i ever catch up to your grand gestures and all those miles that you’ve traveled to see me and all that effort? will i ever? up to this point, have i even seemed like i am remotely trying to do enough?  should i be trying harder? i am limited by money and lack of transportation and curfews and all these things i’m told i can’t do - but what, are those just excuses?  you would not have let those things stop you, i’m sure. 

when i think of all of this, i feel so small because what have i done?  in our roughest times, i always buckled. i think of last summer and before, i used to think i handled it just fine, given the circumstances, only to come to the conclusion that everyone thinks i could have done better.  and have i even made any grand gestures, any big sacrifices?  I made you a map and wrote you notes.  what does that even chalk up to in the grand scheme of things? yet, you see me as one of the best things to ever happen to you and sometimes i feel like you deserve better than this.  than me.

snapped out of a deep sleep at around 8am this morning because of a terrible nightmare.  this has been the first time in a long time that i woke up because of chest pains from dreaming.  it was so vivid and the fight was so reminiscent of our last big fight and i don’t know.  it doesn’t cross my mind much anymore because i try with every fiber of my being for it not to, but when it does..

i just want to pick it all apart and analyze it to death, but where will that get me anyway. i’ll just keep these thoughts to myself for now